


Dying and Healing

by sleeplittlechild



Category: Kamen Rider W (Double)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 09:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2304623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplittlechild/pseuds/sleeplittlechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The days that follow Phillip disappearing are not easy on Shotaoru.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dying and Healing

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Kazuraba-Kouta’s End of Gaim Tokusatsu Songfic Challenge.
> 
> Inspired by '[ShouPhil]The Long Goodbye' Link at the End.

_Raindrops...fall from...everywhere_

_I reach out for you...but you're not there_

_So I stood waiting in the dark_

_With your picture in my hand_

_Story of a broken heart_

 

It rains the days that follow...Phillip's end. It hurts  _so_ much to say that, to admit he's only half a Kamen Rider – and will always be.

 

He'd screamed, yelled, just  _cried_ when he came back to the office, empty and silent. Curled up on the floor and wrapped his arms around his stomach and  _screamed_ for so long till he was hoarse enough to cough up blood. Akiko had her work cut out for her, dragging him to his bunk.

 

The garage door had not been opened again.

 

_Stay with me, Don't let me go._

_'Cause I can't be without you_

_Just stay with me, and hold me close_

_Because I've built my world around you_

_And I don't wanna know what it's like without you_

_So stay with me_

_Just stay with me_

 

Shotarou hadn't shed a tear since. He felt void, without any energy. It was enough to just get out of bed in the morning and wander senselessly around the office, staring out at the rain, when he could find the energy. When he could find the energy to open his eyes and let his fingers stray over every corner, remembering the remnants Phillip left him. Days when that energy exhausted him in visions, voices echoing what Phillip had been to him. Then there were days where Shotarou couldn't be asked to leave the bed at all.

 

_I'm trying and hoping...for the day_

_When my touch is enough_

_To take the pain away_

_Cause I've searched for so long_

_The answer is clear_

_We'll be okay if we don't let it disappear_

 

Akiko opens the door (as she was apt to do) with her many bags of groceries and a cheery dispotion she played for Shotarou, in hopes to pick his spirits up. Today was a 'good' day, where Shotarou had risen up enough to lean against the door frame and give her a forlorn stare.

 

As she's chatting nonsense (she did that too, enough that Shotarou's figured out she was just trying to create white noise for the spiraling pain seeping out his bones.) Shotarou walked out the door.

 

He doesn't realize he's walking – not when two steps out drench him completely, nor when he misses his step and falls. He's walking and he doesn't even know it.

 

_Our picture hangs up to_

_Remind me of the days_

_You promised me we'd always_

_And never go away_

_That's why I need you to stay_

 

Akiko is grabbing him and suddenly he is waking up – Shotarou's outside. He is outside at a bridge and they're really close to the edge...had he been ready to jump?

 

This...this was the bridge where Phillip came back to him, ensured that it was Shotarou who was his partner and would always be his partner. The day their bond was stronger than ever...

 

Fuuto was  _full_ of Phillip...he couldn't escape him. He would  _never_ move on from him.

 

“Shotarou-kun! Don't you _ever_ scare me like that, okay?! Or else...else...I'll hit you 20 times!” Akiko's threat and tears buzzed in one ear and out the other, barely registering. Shotarou was lost in the memory of the bridge. Shotarou let Akiko drag her back to the office.

 

Gosh, he was soaked; he was his own puddle. Akiko stood him in the center. “Now stay there.” And the next he knows, she's disappeared into the garage.

 

The garage he had barely even looked at.

 

Akiko has a clamp screwed tight on her heart right now, collecting towels from the storage closet. She steers clear of the south corner, where it looks ready for Phillip at any second. She doesn't even dare to think of it for more than a second. She hears footsteps and watches a hypnotized Shotarou make for it, like he's on a mission. Akiko holds her breath when Shotarou stops in front of the whiteboard, where the words CHARMING RAVEN are still written, GRAVE boxed in so tauntingly.

 

Shotarou screams and it scares her, watching him slam a fist against the board.

 

A month since – Shotarou cries again.

 

Everything inside Akiko is screaming at her feet to go over there and take her father's disciple into open arms, shield him from anymore hurt. She mumbles out a lie about needing to tend to Terui and Akiko guns it out the door. As much,  _as much_ as it kills her, the only way for Shotarou to heal was to mourn Phillip – alone.

 

He didn't have the energy to cry before. Now that he'd found it, there was no way for Shotarou to stop. Everything just... _hurt_ . Why did Phillip have to leave?! Why couldn't Wakana? She wasn't worth Phillip! Was it his fault? Why? Why? WHY?! His hand hurt and he realizes he's been punching the whiteboard, so very close to those words – perfectly preserved, like the garage.

 

Why did Phillip have to seep into everything around him? Why did  _he_ have to be the child of fate? Why did Boss have to save  _him –_ and then die, leaving little High School Shotarou to protect him?

 

Why did Shotarou have to love him?

 

The cool touch of the whiteboard and he's able to stagger a breath in. At his feet, he sees something.

 

An old cell phone, before Phillip made Stagphones. What was it doing in the garage – hadn't he tossed it months ago? A little over three years old, he finds a Purikura of him, Queen, and Elizabeth on the back, from High School.

 

He's trying to find his breath, opening it up and scrolling through old photos and contacts from before he dropped out. There's a sound file, 'Tibet', the title says in katakana that he doesn't remember at all. He opens it and presses the phone to his ear.

 

... _Oi, Phillip, what are you up to?_

 

Shotarou's eyes go wide. He wants to slam the phone shut, throw it across the room like he's been burned and just cry more. Then he hears it -

 

_Ah, Shotarou, did you know that in 752, the Chinese made the first mechanical clock. It was of course horribly inaccurate when compared to -_

 

_Yeah, yeah, yeah – what are you thinking about for dinner tonight?_

 

_Dinner? Hmm...well, in Tibetan culture,_

 

_In Fuuto, Phillip. I'm not going to Tibet._

 

_But Jinno-san has quite the knowledge of Tibetan cuisine._

 

_He...how do_ _ you _ _ know that? You've never even met the guy. _

 

Shotarou felt the sob bubble out over his lips, his legs giving out at the same time. To his own ears though, it sounded almost like...a laugh, as he slid to the floor. He listened on as Phillip went about explaining how stories of Jinno explained his love of Tibetan food.

* * *

Akiko paced nervously in front of the garage door. Maybe she shouldn't have left him alone. He had just tried to jump off a bridge. There wasn't anything dangerous in the garage, right? Maybe she -

 

It slid open.

 

Shotarou stepped out, one foot at a time. His face was a horrible bloated mess, bright red and blotchy. He had in his hands a normal phone that he fingered, tossing back and forth. They don't say anything for the longest time and Akiko is getting a headache from holding her breath.

 

Shotarou raises his head and in the last month, she sees his smile.

 

Akiko rushed forward, hugging him around the waist tightly. Shotarou slowly hugged back, but he gripped her just as tightly, almost enough to hurt. But Akiko didn't care – she was just glad to have the detective back.

* * *

It was another month until the office officially opened, since Shotarou's healing actually began. Till then, he helped the police whatever way he could. It was strange, to have nobody to explain all the evidence to him so quickly and clearly. It was strange, to not have Phillip at his side.

 

It was easier to say his name now, 'Phillip'. It still hurt like a knife stabbing him, but that was an improvement from the feeling of drowning before.

 

And today, what could be seen as a normal day, with Terui drinking coffee in the front room and Akiko acting docile, Shotarou would open Phillip's present.

 

Shotarou stood before his desk, trying to reign in his emotions. He was nervous, excited, sad, but this was a good thing – it was a physical memory that he could hold in his hands. Breathe, just breathe. He pulled the lid off.

 

The Lost Driver, with only one slot for Gaia Memories. It looked so empty – broken, even – without a slot on the other side. But that paled in comparison to the other part of the present.

 

Phillip's book.

 

If Phillip seeped into everything around him, then this book was physical manifestation of all that Phillip was. This was something Phillip touched everyday, always by his side, always a part of him. Even Shotaru had never seen inside of it, no matter how curious he had been.

 

Shotarou picked it up with ginger hands, so scared it would disappear like its owner. What could be inside? Did the book write itself? What would it tell him? Slowly, he flipped through the pages. Empty, empty -

 

_Please take of the city that I love,_

_Kamen Rider, Hidari Shotarou._

_From your partner_

 

He couldn't stop the tears, pulling the book close to his heart so the words could be engraved in it.

 

_Oh, Oh_

_Don't leave me_

_ So I stay waiting in the dark _ .

**Author's Note:**

> Stay with Me by Danity Kane  
>  [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6Fuc20XCO0]


End file.
